


Guy Stuff

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-10-06 20:49:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10344276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: SPOILERS "Ascension"Just what happened after Jack told Teal’c to "Call Daniel"?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Guy Stuff

##  Guy Stuff

##### Written by Pough   
Comments? Write to us at [jgross1@peoplepc.com](mailto:jgross1@peoplepc.com)

  * SPOILERS "Ascension" 
  * CONTENT WARNING: Any kind of warning I could make would only attract more readers. Daniel, too much beer and jello wrestling...Intrigued or warned? 
  * Just what happened after Jack told Teal'c to "Call Daniel"? 
  * PG [Hu] 



* * *

"Well, what now?" Jack asked, walking away from Sam's front door.

"I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of jello," Teal'c said, walking toward Jack's F-350. 

"Call Daniel," Jack said, tossing the phone to Teal'c. He got inside the truck, turned over the key and listened as Teal'c's phone call was placed.

"DanielJackson."

"Uh, yeah, Teal'c. Hi. How was the pizza?" Daniel asked, lowering his glasses to peer at the inscription on a shard of pottery.

"Colonel O'Neill and I left it with Major Carter and her friend."

Daniel looked up, confused temporarily as to which he was speaking into, the phone or the pottery. "She...Sam...she...what?"

"Apparently Major Carter and a friend had a pre-designated time arranged that neither the colonel nor I were aware of," Teal'c told him.

"She had a date, Daniel!" Jack called out, leaning toward Teal'c.

"Well, I'll be...Sam had a...that would mean..."

"DanielJackson, we are in pursuit of other forms of entertainment and wish you to join us," Teal'c said. 

"What kind of entertainment? You gonna see a movie?"

"We are not. We are going to see other humans..."

"Wait a minute. You're with Jack. No, I'm not going to a strip club! I had to get new lenses after the last time. Tell Jack no," Daniel said, leaning back in his chair.

"O'Neill, DanielJackson has answered in the negative," Teal'c told Jack. 

"Gimme that!" Jack reached for the phone. "Daniel, when's the last time you were out of that mountain?"

"Oh, hi, Jack. I was out of here this morning, as a matter..."

"Starbucks doesn't count as being out. When's the last time you were out being a guy?"

"Well, as far as I know, I'm always out being a guy, Jack."

"Come on, Daniel. Be out front in ten minutes, in your street clothes. We'll swing by to pick you up," Jack ordered him.

Daniel looked around his office. Reams of data needed to be interpreted. Stacks of photos needed to be sorted. "Yeah, okay."

"Great! Oh, and Daniel?"

Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, knowing he wasn't going to like the next line out of Jack's mouth. "What?"

"Don't wear anything too nice." And with that, Jack ended the call. "Oh, yeah. He's in."

*****

Pulling up to the mouth of the mountain, Jack and Teal'c found Daniel standing with his arms wrapped around his chest, looking none too happy with his friends. Teal'c jumped out of the truck and pulled his seat forward for Daniel. Daniel stood his ground. He looked over Teal'c's ensemble.

"I see you found www.yeehaw.com?"

"General Hammond took me to a store in Colorado Springs. It is one that he frequents. He stated that I looked 'mighty handsome,' " Teal'c said, raising an eyebrow and straightening his 'kerchief.

"Well, if the general says so...Look, you said to be out here in ten minutes. I've been waiting a half hour."

"Yeah, about that. See, we kinda gave Carter our pizza, and Teal'c here..."

"...as did you, O'Neill..."

"...as did I, got a little..."Jack took a deep breath. "We kinda stopped for a bite." Jack smiled sheepishly at Daniel. Daniel was unmoved.

"Colonel O'Neill did not forget you, DanielJackson. We ordered for you, as well," Teal'c stated.

"Yeah, so lose the pissy-face, and get in the truck. You're letting out all the good fried food smell," Jack said. Daniel stared at Jack for a moment longer and then climbed into the back of the cab.

"Colonel O'Neill informed me that you would appreciate the gesture," Teal'c said, passing the bag back to Daniel as Jack slapped Teal'c's arm, attempting to shush the Jaffa.

"You got me a Happy Meal. You got me a McDonald's Happy Meal!?" Daniel snapped.

"Hey, don't be so harsh. The toy is from 'Atlantis.' That's your kind of story--lost world, ancient civilizations. Anyhow, I upgraded the drink to a strawberry shake," Jack said, rather hurt by Daniel's lack of appreciation.

"I don't like strawberry shakes," Daniel whined, pulling out the fries and chicken McNuggets to get to the toy.

"Then don't drink it, for god's sake!" Jack said, rolling his eyes. "And you're welcome, Daniel."

"Thanks. I guess. You didn't get me any sauce. I can't eat nuggets without sauce."

Jack looked back at Daniel to discuss his whining and noticed his choice of attire: seude oxfords, khaki pants, plaid tan shirt and white t-shirt. "Oooh. Khakis and seude. That could be a problem."

Daniel's head shot up. "'Scuse me? There's a problem with my clothes? You said nothing too nice."

"I should have mentioned nothing that might show a stain, either," Jack cringed.

Daniel's eyes fluttered in annoyance. "What...where are we...Just take me back to the SGC," Daniel ordered.

"No, now, Daniel, just calm down and, you know, roll with it. We're going out to do guy stuff tonight. Guy stuff can get...messy. You remember guy stuff, don't you?" Jack asked.

"The last time we did guy stuff, we were banned from O'Malley's," Daniel reminded Jack.

"Yeah, well, that's because Carter was with us, and you know how she likes a good bar fight."

"Speaking of Sam...She has a date?" Daniel asked. "Ooh, Teal'c can I have that ketchup pack?"

"She does indeed, DanielJackson," Teal'c said, passing the condiments back to Daniel.

"Which begs the question, why don't we?" Jack stated. "I mean, come on, we're three men, three single..." He looked at Teal'c and creased his brow. "Okay, well, technically, one of us is still married, but I have a feeling word isn't going to get back. We should be out there, making the rounds, doing the clubs, choosing our favorite jello!"

Daniel's head shot up again from his fastidious ketchup application. "Um, hello? What? Jello?"

"The point is, Daniel, you're a good looking guy. So am I, in a rugged, distinguished, mature sort of way," Jack said making a fist and tightening his bicep.

"If by that you mean unshaven, gray-haired and old... But that still doesn't..."

"And just look at Teal'c," Jack said, gesturing to the Jaffa who raised one eyebrow with distinct pride in his appearance. "He just reeks of babe appeal. What woman could resist that look of danger, that hat, that...We may need to lose the scarf. A little too 'Village People,' there, Teal'c. Kind of goes against the image we're trying to get across." Teal'c bowed his head and began to loosen the 'kerchief.

"Look, Jack, I don't know if I'm ready to do the whole dating thing again," Daniel said, dipping his fries forlornly in his ketchup.

"Look, Daniel, you're not only ready, you're way overdue. And besides, where we're going, dating will not be an issue," Jack told him.

"Stop the truck!" Daniel ordered, motioning with his strawberry shake.

*****

"This is not a good idea, Jack," Daniel stated, walking toward the darkened building. 

"Sure it is! When have I ever steered you wrong?" Jack asked. Daniel glared at him. "Okay, but one of the things I appreciate most about you, Daniel, is your enormous capacity for forgiveness."

"This was my idea, DanielJackson. I have read of such establishments and wished only to experience it myself. O'Neill was kind enough to provide access to that experience," Teal'c said. "And I believe it shall be quite an experience."

"And don't forget, Daniel, Teal'c's much older and wiser. We should really learn from him," Jack said.

The lamp above the door cast a crooked light upon the ground. They could feel the pounding beat of ear-splitting music wailing away at the walls. Jack grabbed the handle of the unmarked door.

"Last chance to back out..."

"I'm outta here," Daniel said turning from the door. Jack grabbed him by the collar.

"Good! Let's have an experience. Let's learn, " he said, dragging Daniel through the door. Teal'c followed, pulling his hat lower on his head.

Inside the vestibule of the building, Jack paid the entrance fee for all three men. The music continued to crush at the structure of the building and reverberate against their guts. Jack looked back and smiled dangerously at the two other men. Teal'c lifted one corner of his mouth and radiated Jaffa joy. Daniel put his glasses in his pocket and lifted his feet, one by one, off the carpet to see what was under them.

"What is all over the ground?" he asked, inspecting the soles of his shoes.

Jack wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pushed him into the main room. "Jello. Hello, ladies!"

Daniel turned to leave only to run into the wall of Teal'c.

"You will be fine, DanielJackson. O'Neill assures me that every precaution has been taken to insure your health," Teal'c yelled. 

Daniel pivoted to address Jack, but found him being escorted to a front row table by...by...Daniel reached inside his coat for his glasses. "Yeah, that's what I thought." He watched as Jack neatly stuffed two bills into each scantily-clad woman's thong. Then, to Daniel's horror, the women walked toward him and Teal'c.

"You must be Danny," one gravity defying young woman said, taking Daniel's arm.

"Uh, Daniel, actually."

"Let me help you to your seat, Danny," she said, strolling with Daniel on her arm towards Jack's tight lipped grin.

"Daniel. It's Daniel. And thank you," he said, sitting next to Jack. The woman pushed Daniel's glasses up and leaned over seductively. "Thank you very much?"

"Give her a tip, Danny," Jack said, nudging Daniel with his elbow.

"Oh, sure. Here," Daniel took out a dollar bill, looked at her cleavage, looked at the string masquerading as a waist band, and decided to hand it to her instead. "And remember: there's not much more where that came from!" he called out to her as she left.

Teal'c was seated by an equally endowed woman. "Thank you, Candi," he said.

"You're most welcome, Bubba." Candi jiggled her mammiferous approval at Teal'c.

"Um, Bubba? It's appropriate to..."

"I am well aware, O'Neill. I was merely relishing the moment," Teal'c said. He took out his money and coyly slid a five dollar bill in the thin piece of cording that kept her business tools in check. Jack choked a little on his beer. "You all come back soon, Candi. You hear?" Teal'c said in his deepest register. Candi trembled all over.

"Oh, Bubba! You just make a girl want to run off and be respectable."

"Could you hold that thought until your shift is over?" Jack asked. Candi waddled away. "Daniel, you look like you could use a beer. Hell, you look like you could use a lot of beers. Waitress? We need two pitchers and two glasses. Oh, and a Coke." The waitress gave Jack the thumbs up. Jack put his feet up on the opposite chair and pealed off his tuke. "Oh, yeah. This is heaven. This is good. This is good guy stuff heaven."

"I'm in Hell," Daniel growled.

"I believe we have been there, DanielJackson," Teal'c reminded him. "I do not believe it looked like this."

The room was a lesson in tacky: red curtains across a red stage whose cat walk, skirted by stained white linens, pushed out deep into the room. Greasy dilapidated streamers hung from cobweb encrusted plumbing. Wooden chairs with black vinyl seats, most split to show their crumbling cushions. And the floor. There may have been a pattern and possibly color years ago, but now it was a potpourri of beer stains, jello marks and cigarette burns. The table in front of them wobbled, as did the waitress bringing the beer and glasses. 

She set it all on the table, noticed the wobble, and reached inside her cleavage for a book of matches. "Here, honey," she said to Daniel, giving him the matches. "Be a sweetie and stuff this under one of those legs."

Daniel stared incredulously at her.

"What's with him?" she asked Jack. "He don't get out much."

Jack slapped Daniel on the arm. "See, that's what I said. Come on, Danny. Help the lady out."

Daniel took the matchbook and bent down to place it under a leg. "Lady my..."

"That'll be twenty bucks, boys," she said, wiping her hands on her posterior.

"Allow me, O'Neill," Teal'c said pealing a twenty dollar bill off his wad of cash. He handed it to the waitress. "And a little something for your trouble," Teal'c said, pushing a fiver into her waistband. He raised an eyebrow to her.

"Oh, my!" she said, fanning herself.

"Say, uh..." Jack squinted his eyes to see her name tag, "...Bambi, could you bring us back some wings?"

"Only if you say please," she said, straddling Jack's outstretched legs.

"This seems vaguely familiar...and appealing," he said to Daniel. "I'm sorry, Bambi. Where are my manners? Please, would you bring us some wings? Oh, and here's something to make up for my lack of courtesy," he said, pressing a ten-spot deep in her barely holding together halter top. 

Daniel tried to wipe the grime off his hands.

"Bambi, may I have a shot of your strongest vodka? Make it two, please," Daniel ordered. Bambi turned to put in their orders.

Jack smiled. "Now you're in the spirit of it, Danny." He poured two beers for them. "Teal'c, what's your pleasure?"

"Candi."

"I was talking about drinks, but... you know, the night is young." Jack handed the Coke to Teal'c and a beer to Daniel. "To guy stuff!" he said, raising his glass.

"To guy stuff," Teal'c repeated, clinking his glass in camaraderie.

"To Penicillin," Daniel intoned.

"Are you ready to see it wiggle and jiggle?!" the voice boomed over the speakers. Bambi handed Daniel the two shots of vodka and flashed her hand as five women pranced onto the stage. The announcer droned on.

"This is on me, Dannyboy," Jack said, pressing six dollars into her jewel encrusted dog collar.

Daniel lifted one shot of vodka and poured it over his hands. He rubbed them together until he was sure they were back to acceptable sanitary level. Finding no place to dry them that wouldn't null and void the vodka treatment, Daniel resorted to waving his hands in the air.

"And there's our third volunteer!" the voice stated. 

Jack raised his eyebrows with the realization that Daniel had, in fact, unknowingly and obliviously volunteered himself for the main event. "Uh, Daniel, you might want to drink this," he said, handing Daniel the vodka. Teal'c raised an eyebrow, having heard what Jack had heard.

"I'm saving it for after the bathroom run, which I'm sure won't have a working sink," Daniel said. "But, what the hell, I'll have a beer."

Jack poured him a beer, one with a miniscus, knowing that in order to do what Daniel had inadvertently volunteered to do, he'd need to be good and drunk. _I really need to talk to him about waving his hands around so much,_ Jack thought to himself. 

"While our contestant is backstage getting ready for the match, let's go over the rules!" The announcer yelled. The crowd screamed mixed obscenities and other mono-syllabic utterances. "We have only one rule here at 'Cool and Refreshing.' What is it?!"

" **There ain't none!** " the audience yelled back. Jack turned to see the respondents, amused at their willingness to interact.

"Lovely, Jack."

"Relax, Daniel. Remember, this is..."

"Guy stuff. Yeah, so you've said. Whew! Is it hot in here?" Daniel asked, raising the beer to his forehead.

"It's even better if you drink it, Daniel," Jack teased. Daniel smirked and took a long draw on the beer.

"And here's our first contestant--Randolph!" A burly hirsute man came running onto the stage wearing a wrestling leotard.

"Ho! Now that is not a pretty sight," Jack said, taking a long draw on his beer.

Daniel sipped his beer and watched as the man pounded his chest and growled. "This is obscene, Jack."

"I know. Isn't it great?"

"I do not believe he is in top physical condition, DanielJackson. He shall likely not endure the battle," Teal'c observed.

"I'm not sure conditioning has anything to do with this...battle, Teal'c," Daniel said. "Or should I call you Bubba?"

"You may call me Bubba for the duration of our stay," Teal'c said, smiling at the women warriors on stage as they escorted Randolph to the center of a kiddie pool filled with jello chunks.

"How competitive can this be? I thought they'd at least have a bigger pool," Daniel said, drinking his beer. As soon as he put it on the table, Jack topped it. Daniel couldn't tell him not to in time.

"Believe me, Daniel, you'll thank me later," Jack said, tipping his head to Daniel.

"What?" Daniel asked, craning his neck to hear Jack over the cacophony.

"What?" Jack asked, pretending he didn't hear. "Hey, here's to guy stuff!" he said, holding out his glass.

"We already toasted to that," Daniel informed him.

Jack screwed up his face. "Okay, then, here's to Sam Carter!" Daniel and Teal'c raised their drinks. "A great woman, one helluva soldier, and a good friend."

"Here here!" Daniel said, lifting his mug to his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Jack down his beer. Not wanting to be left behind, Daniel continued to drink until the bottom of his mug was evident. He put the empty mug down and caught his breath. Jack refilled it while Daniel's eyes were closed.

Randolph was pinned, his mouth filled with whip cream, and his leotard packed with jello. The bell sounded, the women were deemed victorious, and Randolph was hosed down, much to his great and vociferous joy.

"Let's hear it for Randolph!" the announcer called. The great majority of audience members called out sobriquets which questioned his lineage. Jack laughed out loud, something Daniel hadn't seen in years. It brought a great deal of happiness and satisfaction to him to see Jack that happy. Either that, or Daniel was feeling the love of a fast-drunk.

"You know, one of us should go up there," Daniel joked. Jack looked at Teal'c. Teal'c eyed him back. Neither had the heart to tell him the truth. "For the honor of the...program. Man, I almost said the S...I almost said it again!" 

"You need to freshen that drink, Danny?" Jack asked, already pouring the last of the one pitcher into his cup.

"I feel good, Jack," Daniel said, looking around the place. "I mean it. At first, I was leery of this place. Skeptical. But, no, this is...fun!" Daniel stated. He patted Jack on the shoulder. "Thanks, Jack."

"Oh, gees, Daniel. You might want to hold off on the..."

"Contestant number two--Jaaaaaaason!"

A young nip of a man ran onto the stage, dressed in a pair of tightey whiteys.

"Baaa! I give him five minutes," Daniel giggled. Jack took note of the fact that Daniel's head was beginning to bob a little too readily to the beat of the music. "I like this music. Got a good beat. Easy to dance to. I give it a 45."

Jack turned his focus from the gelatinous skirmish and regarded Daniel with dubious eyes. "Do you even know what that means?"

Daniel glanced at Jack, looked back at young Jason's underwear being manipulated into the feared atomic wedgie, and then, smiling, looked back at Jack. "Um...no." Daniel returned to his gentle bobbing and weaving.

Bambi returned to the table with a plate full of chicken wings afloat in a bath of grease. "That'll be ten bucks, boys."

"No, please!" Daniel said, pulling twenty dollars from his pocket. "Bambi, these look...Let me ask you something. What time are you, well, **they** ," he said, motioning to her breasts, "off?" He turned to Jack and laughed, pointing at the tremendous mounds of flesh. "They!"

"Just give me the money," Bambi ordered. She put out her hand. Daniel's giggling petered out and he handed her the twenty. Bambi cracked her gum, shoved the twenty in her left cup, and walked away.

The teetering woman in the patent leather hip boots at the side of the stage rang the bell, sounding out the end of the round.

"It's clean up crew-time, people!" cried the announcer, as four women dressed only in towels ran onto the stage, threw themselves down on the ground, and rolled feverishly in the spilled chilled dessert. The announcer himself pulled the all but empty kiddie pool off the catwalk.

"They really need to hire more people here. Don't you think, Teal'c?" Daniel said, leaning against Teal'c's shoulder. "What say you and I do some moonlighting here?"

"I do not believe they need anymore lighting, least not from the incandescence of the completed lunar phase," Teal'c informed Daniel. Daniel slapped Teal'c's knee and laughed. Bending forward in his giggling fit, Daniel smacked his head against the side of the table.

"Ho! That's gotta hurt," Jack said, grabbing his glass and moving his legs away from the spilling beer. Daniel rubbed his forehead and then noticed the chicken wings.

"Hey! Wings! I love wings!" he bellowed taking one of the fat-on-a-bone, smothered in hot sauce delicacies.

The clean up crew was just about finished, using their bare buttocks to walk across the mopped up floor in time to the base-heavy music. Round three was about to begin. And round three meant Daniel was about to add a decidedly interesting skill to his resume.

Jack rubbed his hair, trying to find a way to break it to Daniel that he **_really_** needed to drink the vodka and as quickly as possible. A tall blond with spiked fetish heals was making her way to the end of the cat walk. Jack heard Daniel choke and cough.

"Beer! Now!!" Daniel ordered, fanning his mouth. He threw the remains of his chicken wing on the plate. His forehead and the goose egg that adorned it glistened with sweat, sweat from hot sauce that could easily reduce a replicator to a pile of molten carbon. Jack handed him a beer and watched as Daniel did a fine impression of a fraternity boy during pledge week.

"You might want to slow down...Actually, here's another," Jack said, passing his glass to Daniel as the blond towered over them. Daniel took the beer, raised it to his mouth with both hands, began to cannonball it when he noticed the leggy, frightening woman peering down at him.

"Oh, God," Daniel said into the glass.

"Now do you want the vodka?" Jack asked, handing it to him.

"Oh, my God," Daniel said as the woman slowly stepped down the ramp in front of him. She beckoned him with one finger whose nail was out lengthed only by her green eyelashes. 

"Here, do it the easy way," Jack said. He pried the beer glass out of Daniel's white knuckles and dropped the shot inside. Jack placed Daniel's hands around the glass again, and tipped it to his lips. "Drink, Danny. It's your only hope."

"Oh, my dear God," Daniel said, drinking the impromptu Boilermaker.

"You're up, stud," the unnaturally tall Amazonian said to Daniel. She took the empty glass out of his hand, grabbed him by the front of the shirt, and lifted him from his seat. 

Jack jumped up, much to Daniel's relief. 

"Help me, Jack?" Daniel begged, glad that his friend was once again coming to his rescue.

Jack pulled Daniel's glasses from his face. "Go with God, Daniel." He turned to the woman. "Be gentle with him."

"Jack?..." Daniel pleaded as the woman dragged him up the steps and down the catwalk.

"I do not believe DanielJackson is prepared for this," Teal'c said, smiling as he watched his younger friend being pulled behind the curtain, all the while looking back in loopy fear.

"You're probably right, Teal'c, but I feel, as his mentor and CO, it is my duty to give him as many combat related experiences as possible," Jack said, pouring himself a beer.

"You are a true soldier and gentleman, O'Neill," Teal'c said, raising his bottle to Jack.

"Thank you, Bubba," Jack said, toasting his friend.

"O'Neill, are you quite sure DanielJackson will be unharmed?" Teal'c asked, munching on his sixth wing.

"He's a big boy, Bubba. Daniel's a good six feet tall. Those woman can't be over..." he blew a mouth full of air out, "...six-two, six-four. Oh, yeah. He'll be fine."

"Perhaps we should have invited General Hammond," Teal'c mentioned, throwing yet another gnawed bone to the plate.

"Gee, that would be...nightmarish," Jack said, finding the rhythm was getting him. He let his spine work the music.

"And I believe he's ready!" the announcer announced. "We here at 'Cool and Refreshing' are pleased to welcome to our stage...Danny!"

"It's Daniel," Daniel said, as the blond dominatrix pushed him to the center of the stage. Jack and Teal'c roared in laughter as they took in Daniel's attire: a Speedo with "Jello" emblazoned on the front and white socks. Daniel crossed his arms nervously in front of him. He glared at Jack and Teal'c through tremendously glazed eyes. "You're dead. You're dead, and you're dead," he seethed, pointing to the two convulsing men. Then he broke out in giggles. "I'm just kidding. I love you guys!"

"Oh, gees. This is going to be bad. Fraiser's gonna have my ass in a sling," Jack foretold, wiping tears from his eyes.

Teal'c nodded. "Indeed. Perhaps now would be an opportune time to make a wager."

Jack stared at Teal'c and then at Daniel who was laughing hysterically on stage.

"I got twenty says he gets a good ass-whoopin'," Jack said, slamming the bill on the table.

"I endeavor to wager twenty of my own dollars on DanielJackson's fortitude," Teal'c said, covering Jack's bill.

The lights turned red as two women ceremoniously walked to the end of the catwalk, reached down to the ground, and in unison, opened two trap doors. The opening chords of "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" clamored over the speakers. Rising from below the stage, a long black box full of jello majestically appeared just as the kettle drums reached their glorious crescendo. And Daniel conducted the entire piece.

Jack doubled over in laughter. Teal'c tipped his head to Daniel. Daniel waved happily at his two buddies.

"And awaaaaaaay we go!" the announcer declared.

Before Daniel could look to see who was at his side, two of the women grabbed him by the ankles and wrists, and swung him, spread eagle, off his feet.

"Jaaaaaack!" Daniel screamed. Jack held his chest, close to hyperventilation.

The women swung him in the air as the crowd counted up to three. On three, Daniel was plunked down in the middle of the box as jello squirted up around him.

"Teeeeeeeeaaaaalllll''ccccc!" 

"I believe DanielJackson would enjoy another beer," Teal'c said to Jack.

Without a moments notice, Daniel was flopped over on his back. One of the blonds stepped out of the box as the other straddled Daniel's goopy body.

"Holy sh..." Daniel tried to say before the woman above him threw herself into the air. Daniel quickly rolled and let the woman go splat in the puddle of gelatin next to him.

"Go for the thong, Danny! Go for the thong!" Jack screamed, suddenly on his feet.

Daniel heard the familiar voice of his CO and scrambled to his feet. "Look, I don't want to hurt..."

Suddenly Daniel found himself on his back. He laughed uproariously.

"You know, we should really think about recruiting these ladies," Jack said to Teal'c.

"Indeed."

"No, no, I don't really think that's..." Daniel muttered through his giggling as the blond pulled him to the center of the ring by his ankles. "Is that really fair?" The woman cackled, giving Daniel his in. He dug his heals to the ground, forcing the woman to become off balanced. Once down, Daniel smooshed jello throughout her hair. He rose above her laughing in drunken victory, two hands full of jello.

"Go Spacemonkey!" Jack cried. Daniel threw jello brazenly into the crowd.

"Everybody freeze!" yelled the Trooper at the back of the room. Jack and Teal'c quickly looked at each other and the undaunted Daniel, and scrambled up onto the stage, each taking a sticky arm. They sprinted behind the curtain and out a back door. Once outside, they took note of the highly flanked parking lot.

"Hey, honey!" Bambi called from the door. "Here's your pants!" She tossed out Daniel's khaki pants, blotted with pink stains. "You better hurry. The cops are makin' their way back here."

"Thanks, Bambi!" Daniel slurred, trying to put his slippery drunken legs into the pants. 

Jack rolled his eyes at the sight. "Oh, for crying out loud! Here," he said helping Daniel get into his clothes. Jack took off his coat and gave it to Daniel. "Put this on. You catch a cold, and I'd get court martialled."

"I was winning, though, wasn't I?" Daniel asked, leaning precariously on Teal'c. 

Teal'c turned his face from Daniel's beer soaked breath. "I believe you were, DanielJackson."

"Why don't we save the highlights for ESPN. We need to book," Jack stated. He and Teal'c helped escort Daniel through the back alleys and onto the next block where they tried to make Daniel understand the seriousness of the situation.

Daniel laughed even harder.

Jack clenched his jaws and cursed to himself. "Dammit. Well, there's only one thing we can do."

"Go back and get my trophy?" Daniel giggled. 

"I'm sure they'll send it to you," Jack said, searching through his coat pockets for his phone. When he had secured it, he placed the call. He rubbed his forehead in embarrassed anticipation of the imminent conversation. While it rang, Jack reached out to keep Daniel upright.

"Hello."

"Hey, Carter! How's the pizza?" Jack asked grimacing.

"Fine, sir. Do...do I hear sirens?"

"Funny story. Remind me to tell it to you sometime. Say, Carter. Watcha doin?"

"Well, I was about to..."

"Great! Could you come pick us up at the corner of Lexington and Ravine?"

"Um, sir, I..."

"Carter, I need to impress upon you the fact that if you don't pick us up, the police will. And then they'll start asking questions, yadda yadda. It could get messy."

"Um. Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes."

"You'd better bring your truck, Sam."

"I don't even want to know."

"Thanks, Sam. We owe you one." Jack closed his phone. "Okay, well, we just wait."

"Did you see me, Jack? Did you see how I took her down?!" Daniel zealously asked. He began to reinact the match.

"Yeah, Daniel. You were great," Jack said, keeping an eye out for cruisers as they walked down Lexington.

"I mean, man, Teal'c! That was great! Those women were huuuuuuuge!" Daniel said, spreading his hands out wide and high.

"Yes, they were indeed, DanielJackson."

Daniel stood still. He glanced from one man to the other. Jack carefully took in Daniel's expression. Daniel's eyes became huge with the unstoppable urge to...

"He's gonna spew," Jack warned, just as Daniel retched all over Teal'c's shirt. Teal'c turned his head as the first wave hit. "All better now?"

Daniel looked forlornly at Teal'c. "Oh, Tea, I'm soooooo sorry," Daniel lisped. "That was a really nice shirt."

"Thank you, DanielJackson. It was."

"Oh, gees, Teal'c. That's probably a one-of-a-kind garment, too," Jack said.

"You are correct, O'Neill," Teal'c said, the calm in his voice wavering dangerously. Daniel used the cuff of Jack's jacket to wipe down Teal'c's shirt. "Do not concern yourself, DanielJackson." Teal'c removed his black fringed coat, handed it to Jack, and then sadly removed his shirt. He paused for a moment of silence before throwing it in the trash can. Jack silently handed Teal'c his coat, which the Jaffa proudly pulled on, snapping it up to his chest.

"Do you think Bambi liked me? I think there was a definite...I sensed a real..." Daniel looked down at the jacket he was wearing. "Hey, Jack? Don't you have a coat just like this?"

"Come on, Daniel. Sam will be waiting for us on the corner," Jack said, pulling his tuke from the pocket of his jacket. He looked at Daniel's expression and noticed the slight trembling in the corner of his mouth. "Ah, gees," he said, looking around for a container on the sidewalk. When he found none, he did what any friend who had been a party to a drinking binge would do: he opened up his hat. Daniel let go of the rest of his stomach contents into the black ski hat with the Scandinavian flag. Jack winced.

"Wow, I think those are my chicken McNuggets," Daniel said, pointing to the chunks in the hat.

"My hat..." Jack whimpered. "That was my favorite hat."

"I'm sooooo sorry, Jack," Daniel said, placing a hand on Jack's chest. "Maybe you can wash it or...wash it."

"No. No washing. I'll just..." Jack walked over to the same can that held the remains of Teal'c's attire. He clutched the untainted brim, said a silent goodbye to his dearest friend, and threw the tuke into the garbage.

"Let's walk this off before anything else gets ruined," Jack said, his own skull feeling a little mushy and perforated.

The entire stroll down Lexington was spent alternating between holding Daniel level and holding Daniel at arm's length. Daniel supplied the chortling soundtrack to it all.

"Hey, guys," Sam called out from her Suburban. She took in the sight of the three men: Jack, in only his shirt, pants and shoes. Teal'c, obviously missing his shirt. Daniel. No shirt, no shoes, pink wet socks, and hair that stood up in jagged points. "What the hell?"

"Hey, Sam! Look, you guys! Sam's here!" Daniel yelled. He put an arm around Teal'c. "Did you know I love Sam?"

"I was not aware of that, DanielJackson."

"And I love you, too, Teal'c. And I love you too, Jack."

"Yeah, we love you too, Dorothy. Shut up," Jack said pulling Daniel to the truck.

Sam put the truck in park and got out to help load Daniel.

"Um, here's a thought: why don't we keep Daniel closest to the window?" Jack said as Daniel fell over in the seat.

"Is he drunk?" Sam asked guardedly. "Because if he pukes in my truck..."

"No. I don't think he will. I think he pretty much got it out of his system, and onto us..." Jack said, climbing in the back with Daniel. Teal'c circled around the grill of the truck and joined Sam in the front.

"You realize that you owe me big for this," Sam said, shutting her door.

"I know, Major," Jack said.

"I don't feel very good," Daniel mewled.

Jack rubbed his eyes as the sound of bile and alcohol smacked against the back of Sam's seat. Sam looked back in horror.

"What the hell were you guys doing tonight?" Sam angrily questioned.

"Guy stuff?" Jack offered.

"Dammit all! You owe me, and I mean huge," Sam stated.

"I realize that, Major. God, do I realize that."

"I'm soooooo sorry, Sam."

**The End**

  


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> Thanks to Arren who said this just begged to be written. Thanks to Sarah who did all the research...not on the wrestling angle, that is...

* * *

>   
> © July 16, 2001 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.  
> The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters  
> who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,   
> titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television,   
> Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd.   
> Partnership.  
> This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and   
> solely meant for entertainment.   
> All other characters, the story idea and the story itself   
> are the sole property of the author.   
> 

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